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[personal profile] michanna
Going to try, once again, to get into the habit of using DW and crossposting to LJ. (old habits die hard).

My grandparents have flown to Calgary this week to join us for Christmas. I should have expected it, but I was not prepared when I got home, tired, hungry and really wanting to just sit down with a drink and have fun, to a bunch of questions from my grandpa about how it work is going. My coping mechanism has mainly been to try and not think or talk about things; trying to tell my grandpa about what it is I'm doing and how I'm liking it quickly made me feel overwhelmed and I realized I was going to burst into tears so I unceremoniously extricated myself from the conversation.

I then got lectured by my mother about how rude I'd been, which was accurate, so then I felt upset and ashamed and went to wrap Christmas presents alone in my room with Christmas music and some liqueur and started to calm down.

Then my grandfather came up to talk to me about how I am a 'smart, capable girl who can control her own actions so there's no excuse for me to be argumentative with my mother' and how I'm 'really lucky and privileged and have no need to feel this way'
I had no way to respond to that. I know those things; feeling guilty about my own emotions for those exact reasons has been adding a lot of fuel to the fire of my self-recrimination and really not helping at all. So to have him tell me that, to my face, was not at all useful and, frankly, made me angry. I know he's from a different time and probably means well but what did he hope to accomplish?

I'm plagued but the notion of myself as a big kid having a tantrum. Is it possible that these emotions are just stemming from the fact that I'm lonely and want attention? Or that I'm lazy enough that I can resent other people for not doing my work for me and paying attention to my problems? And if that's the case, how can anyone tell me that I shouldn't hate myself for it?

Anyway, I'm starting to feel like I'd rather spend Christmas by myself, in a corner with a bottle of wine, reading a good book between trying to sort out my life than having to pretend (badly) to be happy and social and then go back to work next without having accomplished anything.

In other news: a bunch of idiots staged a flash mob outside the Community studio to protest its hiatus, in all likelihood proving to the studio how small the fanbase is.

They're making lego for girls. Who do I shoot?
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August 2013

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